Just A Little Pick Me Up

So I heard this song on the way to work one day last week and it reminded me of my little ones in heaven. As almost 2 weeks have past since my last miscarriage its getting easier to make through the day without crying or it always being on my mind. God's working his magic in those areas. Me and Daniel are going back to the doctor on Tuesday, March 22 to have my follow up and to start running all of the test to try and find out whats going on to cause my miscarriages. I'm nervous to find out the results, but excited to begin trying again. This is something Ive wanted for a while now and hoping that I get the chance to be a mommy and Daniel to be a daddy. As all this has happened Ive had problems with going in the room that's going to be baby's, being around baby stuff, and just the thought that I will never get to be a mommy to a little that Ive been able to carry. I know God knows best and that everything will work out in the end. Ive just got to sit back and let it all happen on his time not on mine. I guess that's one of the hardest things about this whole experience is learning to have patience, when Ive never been to good with that!! My moma has been saying I can control alot of things in life, but the good Lord above is showing me that this is one thing in life I can't be in control of.

Ive had a good weekend considering the weather is so nasty. Friday I spent the day with a friend at work and her little girl. Today Daniel and I went and got our hair done, then went and got me a new laptop (because mine died after 7 years). I am absolutely loving it =) Tomorrow we've got church and then the Hoolihan gang coming over for lunch. Then back to work on Monday! Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend, and I will update after we've had our test ran.

The Best Turns to the Worst

I'm sure most all of you know that the best news I received turned to the worst news on Monday night. It all started as any day for me does. I went to work, got off and the only thing different was Twila, a girl I work with, I took her home. I stepped inside to see her precious baby girl. I got home around 6:45, and being pregnant I was having to pee all the time so I went to the restroom and to my surprise I saw some blood. I began to panic at that point. I immediately called my mom and asked if it was normal. She informed me that sometimes it is normal, she asked how much and I told her at that point it was just light spotting. Still being scared of what it could mean I layed down on the couch. Then I had started hurting not horrible, but more than normal. I called my mom back, who is a nurse, she told me to call the doctors office and get the on call doctor. I called and around 7:30 the doctor called me back. He told me that if my bleeding or cramping got any worse go to the er. Daniel and I ran through McDonald's. Got back home an I began hurting pretty bad and went to the restroom again, and saw my worse fear, I was bleeding pretty bad. Daniel and I get in the car and head to Hendersonville Er. We get there around 9:30 and they immediately start drawing blood and running test. Around 11:15 we get the news my hCG levels had dropped again. I never thought it would happen to us again, but it was happening at that moment, my heart was breaking. We had a silent ride back home. We got home right at 12:00 and went straight to bed.

Daniel got up and went to work the next day and I headed back to Dr. Riggan's office. I got there and couldn't control my emotions. He came in and talked to me. He begin by saying he was so sorry. He told me there was really no way to tell what the cause was this time. He told me I had some options and I told him I wanted to give it some more time before I made my decision wither or not I wanted to proceed with a D and C. So, he told me to come back the next day and we would make the decision then.  I spent the rest of the day in bed resting because I was hurting really bad. I got up and went back to the doctor today and informed him that my bleeding and cramping wasn't as bad as it had been the day before. He told me that was good news and we would wait on the D and C for now. I was glad to hear that. I came back home and have slept most of the day. When I'm awake I do nothing but cry. I know Ill never know God's plan, but it still doesn't make it easy. Dr. Riggan told me that we would start running lots of different test once my levels were back to normal, which should be in about 4 weeks.  He said that if those test come back normal we would begin doing chromosome testing on me and Daniel. I have been praying to God that the blood test for me comes back with something small that can be fixed before we have to get to the other major testing. I pray to God that me and my wonderful husband are able to have children together and get to experience the miracle of life and the gift of being a mommy and a daddy. I know that talking to God helps us heal, and I've been talking to him a whole lot here lately. If I gain anything from this experience I have gained a closer relationship with God. Everyone has sent messages telling me that I will be a great mom, I hope that when I get the chance to be blessed enough to get to be a mommy. I pray that I will be a great one. Once I get the chance to have my own little miracle I will cherish every moment I get and never take a day that I have for granted. Even now going through this heartbreak twice it has brought me and my husband closer to together, closer to God and has changed our lives forever. I know we have 2 amazing little angels watching over us everyday. I guess what helps me get through is knowing that both of my little peanuts are going to be waiting on me at the gate one day. Mommy and Daddy love you little peanuts!!!  

The song at the top really hit home in this deep moment where I wanna question God, but like the song says I know you are for me. So I know God is just testing my faith and love for him and this to shall pass and I know it will make me and Daniel only stronger and better Christians.

The BEST Valentine's Gift Ever

Monday February 14, 2011  I woke up got out of bed and for some reason I thought Ill take a pregnancy test just to see what it would say, even though I knew I was going to be getting my results back soon anyways. So I pee on the stick and waited, about 2 minutes later a light pink line appeared. I thought no way so I looked again, and again, and 1 more time just to be certain. Once I knew my mind wasn't playing tricks on me I began to cry and fall to my knees and give thanks to God for allowing me the chance again, and thanking him for everything and praying for a healthy baby. After I had gotten my self back together I called and told my mom that I had two pink lines, followed by a phone call to my husband telling him about our wonderful news!! He said to me I guess you got the best Valentine's gift I could ever give. I finished getting ready for work and headed out the door. The whole way to work I talked to God and my little peanut =).

I had been at work for about an hour and I had a special delivery my husband had sent me fresh cut flowers! He is so wonderful to me and is going to be an amazing daddy. I go back to working on my patients, still waiting on the phone call from my doctor. 5 o'clock comes and its time to get off work and I still haven't heard anything. I meet Daniel at Walgreens and  we get 2 more boxes of pregnancy test, 2 of the digital ones and 2 regular ones. We get home and again I pee on the stick and immediately there are two blue lines on one and the other said PREGNANT!!! I couldn't believe it!! We were so excited but still not forgetting what had happened last time, so in the back of our minds we knew things go turn for the worse again. We go to bed that night and wake up the next morning and I take another one and guess what it was positive. I go to work still waiting on a phone call from Dr. Riggan. Finally, I get a call from Angel and she tells me to come by and he'll talk to me. I get there and I get more blood drawn to make sure my hCG levels are rising like there suppose to, and he talks to me. He informed me that I was pregnant and that my levels from Friday were 25, which was higher than they were last time. He said that now on Tuesday they should be around 90 to 100. I go Wednesday with no phone call and finally on Thursday night on my way home from Cookeville my phone rings and its Dr. Riggan. He begins to tell me that my hCG levels were at 132 which is awesome! I responded with I kinda knew they were gonna be good because I've been throwing my toe-nails up since Tuesday. He said let the joys begin of being pregnant. I immediately called Daniel to let him the best news we could have gotten.  We cant wait till our little peanut gets here!! Our estimated due date as of right now is October 21, 2011!!!

My fingers are crossed

For good news that is. I went back to the doctor today for a follow up. I asked lots of questions and got lots of answers. =) I found out that I wasn't as far long as he thought I was. He said he felt I was only about 4 weeks, which is better news than before because we thought I was between 7 and 8 weeks. He said my chances for another one are very low, and I was glad to hear that. He rechecked my hormone levels and I will know the results from it on Monday. Which meant more horrible needles. =( He asked if I had a normal cycle since my miscarriage, and I informed him that I hadn't. So, he said there is a possibility that I could be expecting again, but not getting my hopes up all the way just yet! I'm just hoping that my Snthyroid is working like its suppose to and my hormone levels are where they're suppose to be. 

As this Monday is Valentine's Day I'm so thankful that I have an amazing husband who has been by my side throughout my ups and downs. I heard a song on the radio not to long ago that made me think about my wonderful husband God gave me!! I love you Punkin and always will =) I will update as soon as I hear back the results of my blood work. Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's weekend!!

This made me smile today!!

This week we remember all babies born sleeping or whom we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all our precious angels. Thought this was sweet and had to share!! Hope everyone is having a blessed day!! Cant wait for the weekend =)

Here is the Girl stuff for Ms. Bristol Anzlee Hoolihan

Here is the BOY stuff for Mr. Conner Cash Hoolihan