I'm sure most all of you know that the best news I received turned to the worst news on Monday night. It all started as any day for me does. I went to work, got off and the only thing different was Twila, a girl I work with, I took her home. I stepped inside to see her precious baby girl. I got home around 6:45, and being pregnant I was having to pee all the time so I went to the restroom and to my surprise I saw some blood. I began to panic at that point. I immediately called my mom and asked if it was normal. She informed me that sometimes it is normal, she asked how much and I told her at that point it was just light spotting. Still being scared of what it could mean I layed down on the couch. Then I had started hurting not horrible, but more than normal. I called my mom back, who is a nurse, she told me to call the doctors office and get the on call doctor. I called and around 7:30 the doctor called me back. He told me that if my bleeding or cramping got any worse go to the er. Daniel and I ran through McDonald's. Got back home an I began hurting pretty bad and went to the restroom again, and saw my worse fear, I was bleeding pretty bad. Daniel and I get in the car and head to Hendersonville Er. We get there around 9:30 and they immediately start drawing blood and running test. Around 11:15 we get the news my hCG levels had dropped again. I never thought it would happen to us again, but it was happening at that moment, my heart was breaking. We had a silent ride back home. We got home right at 12:00 and went straight to bed.
Daniel got up and went to work the next day and I headed back to Dr. Riggan's office. I got there and couldn't control my emotions. He came in and talked to me. He begin by saying he was so sorry. He told me there was really no way to tell what the cause was this time. He told me I had some options and I told him I wanted to give it some more time before I made my decision wither or not I wanted to proceed with a D and C. So, he told me to come back the next day and we would make the decision then. I spent the rest of the day in bed resting because I was hurting really bad. I got up and went back to the doctor today and informed him that my bleeding and cramping wasn't as bad as it had been the day before. He told me that was good news and we would wait on the D and C for now. I was glad to hear that. I came back home and have slept most of the day. When I'm awake I do nothing but cry. I know Ill never know God's plan, but it still doesn't make it easy. Dr. Riggan told me that we would start running lots of different test once my levels were back to normal, which should be in about 4 weeks. He said that if those test come back normal we would begin doing chromosome testing on me and Daniel. I have been praying to God that the blood test for me comes back with something small that can be fixed before we have to get to the other major testing. I pray to God that me and my wonderful husband are able to have children together and get to experience the miracle of life and the gift of being a mommy and a daddy. I know that talking to God helps us heal, and I've been talking to him a whole lot here lately. If I gain anything from this experience I have gained a closer relationship with God. Everyone has sent messages telling me that I will be a great mom, I hope that when I get the chance to be blessed enough to get to be a mommy. I pray that I will be a great one. Once I get the chance to have my own little miracle I will cherish every moment I get and never take a day that I have for granted. Even now going through this heartbreak twice it has brought me and my husband closer to together, closer to God and has changed our lives forever. I know we have 2 amazing little angels watching over us everyday. I guess what helps me get through is knowing that both of my little peanuts are going to be waiting on me at the gate one day. Mommy and Daddy love you little peanuts!!!
The song at the top really hit home in this deep moment where I wanna question God, but like the song says I know you are for me. So I know God is just testing my faith and love for him and this to shall pass and I know it will make me and Daniel only stronger and better Christians.
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