Learning God's Plan

1/11/11 started off like a typical Tuesday would... getting up and ready for work. I go to work and not thinking too much about it, but my period was 5 days late, so when I get off work I call Angel, my aunt who is the office manager at my ob/gyn, she told me to just run by. I got there peed in the wonderful cup and waited... nothing showed up... yet that is. Dr. Riggan discussed the options of why I could be late and decided he wanted to draw some blood to check my hormone levels and thyroid. Me being a BIG chicken when it comes to having blood drawn, I agreed but only if Angel would hold my hand. Leaving the office I'm thinking I'm sure my levels are fine the reason I'm late is what everyone keeps saying "you're just trying to hard, stop thinking about it and it will happen." I'm not expecting results for 2 or 3 days. 

So when I got a phone call the next day my heart sank to the bottom of my chest. Somethings wrong was my 1st thought and guess what I was right. Dr. Riggan informed me that he had good  and bad news... good news being there was hcg found in my blood, which meant IM PREGO, but I knew there was bad news still to come. Bad news was that those hcg levels were low, which could mean that we caught the pregnancy early on, and that my thyroid levels were very low and he wanted to see me back the next day to draw more blood =( to check my hcg levels again. He said that your levels should double every 48-72 hours. Still being excited from the good news I got, we started telling family the good news but let them know we would get more information the next day. 

I didn't  sleep very well that nite. I get up and get ready to head to the doctor. Talking to my little peanut the whole way, telling it that it had lots of people praying for it and hoping that everything was going to be ok. I go have my blood drawn, I leave knowing they were sending it out stat which meant I was going to know the results before lunch. I leave and head to Cookeville to work. I get there and time seemed to creep by, but before I knew it Kim was telling me Dr. Riggan line 1. I go and take the phone call not really ready to hear what he had to say. He begun by telling me that my levels had dropped which meant I was losing my baby, at that moment my world came crashing down and  my heart was breaking. He continued to tell me he was so sorry and that he was going to start me on thyroid meds right away because thats what he felt was the reason that my body wasn't able to carry the baby. He ended the phone call with that I would be in his thoughts and prayers. I told him thank you and hung up the phone. I went upstairs at work and try to call Daniel, he didnt answer, so I called my Grannymoma and told her the news. She told me that everything would be ok that everything happens for a reason and only God knew the reasoning. I finally got to tell Dainel and the rest of my family the news. Everyone was shocked and hurt. 

The next few days were a blur. I had so many emotions running through me. At first I blammed me for the cause, but knowing in the back of my mind I did everything I was suppose to do. I had taken 2 home pregnancy test and they both were negative. Not knowing where to turn I start praying to God to help me get through this and guide me in the right direction. I knew he could see the big plan while I was only able to feel the hurt from one part of his plan. Daniel surprised me an angel charm for my Pandora bracelet, so I would have a constant reminder that we had our own little angel watching over us everyday. God had already begun to heal my heart. We went to church that Sunday and we sang a song that touched me, once again I felt God wrap his arms around me and was helping my heart heal.